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something smells fishy & I don't mean your lady

Yeah, I can see that in my bed when I wake up and roll over in the morning. Koi: strangely sexy when done well? Who knew a bunch of cliched fish could be so damn sexy?


Verdict: totes fuckable

tweet tweet hoot hoot

You know what I really like? Birds. So guess what you can look forward to seeing a whole lot more of on this blog? Mother fucking birds. In this installment of BIRDS ON YOUR BODY, I'd like to present you with a gorgeous owl tattoo that's just realistic enough without being something you don't want too close to your lady bits. This hand and the awesomeness all over its wrist is totally invited to touch me where I pee.

Verdict: totes fuckable

um, those go IN you not ON you.

You know what isn't sexy? McDonald's.


Verdict: not fuckable.

body beautiful

Apparently, this tattoo is based on a sketch by the artist whose work inspired Lilo and Stitch, the tattoo artist inked this on her husband as practice, and I think it is kind of awesome. I'm really into the idea of this tattoo as it ages, since her tats age with you. Adorbs, no?


Verdict: totes fuckable

maybe the best way to get laid

Ladies, which is worse, the smacking or the socks? It might almost be a toss up for me.


Verdict: not fuckable

oh crap.

Too late, buddy - a tattoo artist already took a shit on your arm.


Verdict: not fuckable

Femi nist

This tattooed musician was submitted by a reader (heyyy B!) with the caption: "This one screams put it in me."


Well, yes.

Verdict: totes fuckable.

emotionally overcompensating

Well, Brenda definitely knows that you either love her or you're super crazy and do spontaneous, stupid things to your back with ink. Spontaneous, stupid things. Wow. Brenda. You are such a lucky girl. Bonus: if you ever forget your name, all you have to do is turn this guy over.

Verdict: not fuckable

diddle a fiddle. make your own inappropriate pun.

I'm not saying I'd go gay for it, but yeah, I think that's playable. Creative, unique, and it shows a sense of her own body and how best to accessorize and accentuate it. Kudos.



Verdict: totes fucakble

Cullen back

Much like this, the tattoo that spawned/necessitated this blog, this is horrific and it must be judged. I hope that like Stephen Baldwin's Miley Cyrus tattoo, this involved a 14-year-old girl anda lack of satisfaction on the part of the tattooed. In any case, YIKES. Somewhere a little pubescent girl is crying because you stole her tattoo. You asshole.

Verdict: not fuckable.

ugh.

Things I like about this tattoo:

• camels are super cute (when they aren't spitting on you)
• self-awareness is pretty great
• colors! they're sort of nice and stuff

Things that are not great about this tattoo:

• Whoops: camel toe. You have it ON YOUR BODY.

Please be aware: camel toe is gross. Cut it the fuck out.


Verdict: not fuckable

sometimes the description of the tattoo makes the tattoo

The owner of this tattoo claims it of a dog getting a divorce. Does this look like a dog getting a divorce to me? Um, no, not really. On the other hand, I'm not really sure what a dog getting a divorce looks like (spoiler: I have not met any dogs in the process of getting a divorce so I'm not really 100 % sure what a visual representation of one would be like or need to include to be an accurate visual representation). In any case, it almost doesn't matter. I don't know why they felt it necessary to get one tattooed on their arm, but whatever - it's ridiculous, odd, unique, and sort of awesome. It has a suitcase! I'm into it. Maybe it is just a dog taking a vacation? I don't care - a dog taking a vacation would be awesome.

Verdict: totes fuckable

somone put a ring pop on it

Fact: if you were born in the 80's, you probably love ring pops and have warm, fuzzy memories about eating them in your childhood. I was born in the 80's. Thinking about ring pops makes me nostalgic for those plastic rings you slide the side of your over-sized T-shirt through. Also, neon and My Little Ponies. That shit was magical.

Verdict: totes fuckable. That shit is marriage material.

Life is Pain...

... and so is unintentionally causing your own celibacy.

Seriously, dude, the bruised dripping gash thing? Not so hot. Hope you can learn to enjoy servicing yourself for the rest of your life.

Verdict: NOT FUCKABLE.

Things I'm not into:

• bugs
• people trying to make 3-D happen

Verdict: not fuckable

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Sorry guys. I know this is SUPER NSFW (joking: I am not very sorry. Hope it doesn't scar you!)

This tattoo has me a little torn. On the one hand, [mostly] anatomically correct genitalia! That is super great. On the other hand, if the dick on his right foot doesn't know how to take no for an answer, how the hell will his actual dick?

In the end, 'Schrödinger’s Rapist' syndrome always wins.

Verdict: not fuckable.

Numbers and Symbols and Letters - Oh My

I don't know what any of this means. I took Physics my freshmen year of college and didn't understand physics then. I didn't retain anything I sort of learned. I haven't thought about physics at all since then, either, with the exception of making jokes about friction, momentum, and kinetic energy.

Anyway, I am enthralled by this tattoo, probably because I don't understand it. I don't really care what it means, it is just sort of fantastic. I feel smarter just thinking about how little I understand it. I'm coming down on the favorable side of whatever is going on here.



Verdict: totes fuckable

Cool like Ice Ice Baby

Really? Then so is sucking dicks. Oral is a two way street sir. I hope no one ever blows you again, unless this tattoo is ironic, in which case I hope you never get your dick sucked again. Ugh.

Verdict: not fuckable

do not do me

Let's play a game! It's called finish his to do list! Here are some options to help you get started:

Things he will probably be able to eventually cross off his list someday, if not immediately:

• Look like a tool
• Reappropriate a phrase from the armed services, circa Vietnam
  
• Be really embarrassed about this tattoo in 15 years
• Get lame tattoo
• Write on arm like a 13-year-old girl who forgot her trapper keeper but REALLY has to remember Johnny with the swoop at the mall's phone number
• Rock the shocker, further looking like a fool who deserves to be tasered
  
• Get ready for the white trash-themed party

Things to leave on, undone:

• Be original
• Go to a tattoo artist who knows what they're doing
• Understand what lined notepaper looks like
  

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Verdict: not fuckable

I don't think that means what you think that means

I think her giant, unrestrained breasts might get in the way of effectively wielding a scythe. She should probably cut one off for maximum potential, like an Amazon. Alas, but this woman is no Amazon.
This tattooed masterpiece comes to us from the ever delightful Aubrey and an article in the Washtenaw Voice (don't read it? Maybe you should).
This is from said article:
Why? It symbolizes death, but it’s beautiful because it’s a woman. Death is natural. It’s not always terrible. I was coming out of a dark period, and I figured, if I have the Grim Reaper on my back, she can never catch me.

Whoops, but death will still catch you - spoiler: everybody dies. Everybody dies and you are going to die with an objectified, empty woman on your back.

Verdict: not fuckable

my little what the fuck

It's the radioactive signal that really brings this one together. It's like my childhood was shipped off to Chernobyl and dropped in the sea after being bit by the same spider that bit Peter Parker.

...and I like it. What's wrong with me? Maybe it's all the hospital drugs running rampant through my bloodstream, but whatever is sort of off with this tat is also sort of charming. You will be so cute when your triceps get saggy and the purple starts to fade and you're being wheeled around the nursing home as you curse the grandkids who never visit because clearly, they don't love you like you love them and complain about how shitty the cafeteria jello is when they put grated carrots in it.

Verdict: totes fuckable

STDs are very little fun

If this is an exercise in creative ways to tell people you've fisted that you gave them an STD, I like my idea of baking someone a cake better. Everyone likes cake. Everyone does not like crabs from space in their anus. They aren't cuddly.

Verdict: not fuckable

I cannot pretend that I understand this tattoo completely, but I am sort of into that. I feel certain that there is some sort of story leading up to this tattoo, even if it was a "drunk passed out and my friends are assholes" sort of story. A cursory search of "soyzilla" on the internet brings up no pictures that resemble this Kikkoman soy sauce with legs, so Soyzilla-man, you've piqued my interest.


Verdict: totes fuckable

A+ for Implied Incest

I would like to dedicate this post to Aubrey, Lauren, and Jon.


I'm going to out myself right now as a Star Wars nerd. When I say I really liked Star Wars as a kid, I don't mean I watched the movies a lot and had a lot of early fantasies about Han Solo where I was Carrie Fisher in late Return of the Jedi at her most ass-kicking-ist. I did all those things, but I also wrote an entire musical play with one of my friends based on the Star Wars movies (spoiler: I think we made fun of Luke for being whiny a lot). When we couldn't get any of the neighborhood kids to perform it (true story) I fucking storyboarded that shit (also true, just more embarrassing). I think the colored pencil drawings are still somewhere in my house. I also really liked the books based on the entire the Star Wars trilogy, so much so that in college, post-graduation, a bunch of us formed an ill-fated Star Wars book club for the summer and even though the book club never really took off, I still reread a bunch of them. They are still awesome, folks. They are full of over-exposition and awkwardness! Basically, Star Wars, like Jesus, is magic.

I'm guessing you can all see where I'm going, and that's "totes fuckable" territory.


Verdict: um yes, I would like to marry you, plz and thank you

Hey, you were in a frat in college? That's so cool, man. You're in a band? Fuck yeah! I'm just gonna go pound this empty beer can against my head now. I know man, we're so cool! Fuck yeah.

Verdict: not fuckable

The Humans Are Dead

That's 'geek' in binary code. Supposedly. I don't do that whole "I get computers and I am very knowledgeable about them" thing. I am however, fully willing to take this person's word for it that they got geek in binary code tattooed on their arm.

Verdict: totes fuckable

Whoops, That's Your Boyfriend?

I think the real travesty here is not the obvious misspelling, but rather that said misspelling is so prominently displayed that no one will ever be able to miss it. Whoops, but enjoy looking like a tool whenever you take your shirt off in public, or not taking your shirt off when it is appropriate and looking like a tool anyway.

Verdict: not fuckable

Either Way You (and by you I mean we all) Lose

Well shit. Is that Maggie from LOST or Calista Flockhart? I don't know, I don't care. Either way, we all lose when we see this on your arm. Keep your wet dreams about somewhat has-beens in mind-fuck dramas to yourself, please and thank you.

Verdict: not fuckable

bodily functions happen

Whoops, but you got a tattoo of poop peppered with corn kernels. I salute your openness to poop (spoiler: everybody poops, it's awesome). I also see this arm fisting me oh, NEVER.

Verdict: not fuckable

Wow, you're so meta

Things that are not sexy about this photo--> it calls to mind this Beavis and Butt-Head joke:
Butt-Head: I'll get a tattoo of a butt.
Beavis: I'll get a tattoo of a butt *on* my butt!
Butt-Head: Oh yeah?
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-Head: Well I'll get a tattoo of a butt that has a butt-shaped tattoo on it, and I'll get it right on my butt! That would be cool.

Things that are not un-sexy about this tattoo:
OMG YOU CAN SEE THE SCROTUM.


On the one hand, it's anatomically correct. On the other hand, it's a physical manifestation of a fucking Beavis and Butt-Head joke.


Verdict: not fuckable

Mama like

I was inclined to rate this tattoo unfavorably, but Speculations for Schoolboys swayed me with this important point: that tattoo will only get more adorable with age. Most tattoos have a certain age associated with them, in my opinion, be they the cartoon characters of youth or the demons and pinups of midlife crises. But this tattoo? Timeless. Old dudes and young dudes alike can rock the polo. Hell, it would even be charming if he developed a beer belly.

Verdict: totes fuckable

No banana for you.

This tattoo is well done, and I do appreciate the evolutionary implication, but consider this:

that monkey will be staring intently, unblinking eyes and all, at anyone that man would ever, um, grace with oral pleasures. Picture THAT between your legs.

Verdict: not fuckable.

Oh, we're all "juge"ing.

So young, and such a (as the site where we found this gem implies) shitty tattoo to be stuck with for the rest of your life... gentle reader, let's examine -- critical typo aside -- the inconsistent font, the "my drunk friend did this for me in his basement" style, if you will. But to get back to the typo -- grammatical and spelling errors are an instant and total turn off. Plus, you know, the God thing. Gross.

Verdict: 100% NOT FUCKABLE.

Connect the dots?

Would I go gay for that? Probably. Giraffes are adorable, connect the dots are awesome, and a combination of both above a cute shoe is pretty sexy (but I'm not a mathematician or anything).

Verdict: totes fuckable

vinegar + cucumbers

I assume this is the pickle of 'Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback' fame, so I'm using it as an opportunity to post this:





While I am personally a fan of The Pickle (which this apparently is - nice use of articles? Or something), I don't know if this pickle tattoo has the longevity we really look for in 'fuckable.' At best, this pickle-lover is a one night stand. At worst, he is overcompensating with a phallic symbol.

Verdict: Unclear

I don't like the direction this is going...

The way I see this, there are only three reasons he would have this tattoo:
1) he has a fetish for midgets
2) he is a pedophile
3) he is stupid

Verdict: not fuckable

(201): She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.

Thanks, Texts From Last Night, but I think I need to see the tattoo before I can agree or disagree with that statement.

a couple too many

Dude. Pick one, for the love of god (or maybe not for his love since you're probably not into that). Here at Stamp Tramps, we are all about vices and vaguely self-destructive behavior, but here's the thing: all 7 deadly sins is an awful lot of 7 deadly sins. If you were a little more focused, maybe we'd be more into your backside. As is, you seem a little conflicted. On the one hand, you're into sex (LUST!) - SO ARE WE! Soulmates? On the other hand, you are lazy (SLOTH). You know what's worse than no sex at all? Lazy sex.

Verdict: not fuckable

In the distant future...

Dude, how much time do you have on your hands? I think you have too much time and you could use a hobby. You seem to like sci-fi and sleek, reptilian things. Great. Have you considered comic books or writing Battlestar Galatica fanfic?

PS Seriously, you put skullz on that?

Verdict: not fuckable

Breathetaking

Please double-check spelling prior to having a cliche etched onto your body. Also: tattooing a saying over your beer belly will not camouflage or distract from the fact that you have a beer belly.

Verdict: not fuckable

Geek Love

Photosynthesis FTW. More geek tats, plz.

Verdict: Totes fuckable

Tattoo + Natural Deformity = Wonderful

This is brilliant. A sense of humor? Why yes, we will take that. You, ma'am, are a winner.

Verdict: Totes fuckable

Nipple Tattoos Are Not Your Friend

On the one hand, there is [usually] something to be said for originality. On the other hand, you have like 9 nipples tattooed on your chest. You know those are permanent, right?

Verdict: not fuckable

You're Too Old For This Shit

What we have here is a prime example of someone who didn't think about what their semi-ironic tattoos would say about them when they turned 42. Let me tell you: they say, "hi, I'm probably an asshole, and not in a 'take your clothes off for me so I can devour you' kind of way. Also, I fuck anything that moves. I'm not too particular. Fuck me please I haven't gotten laid in 3 years."

Verdict: not fuckable

Query #2

Gentle Reader: would that feel good during fisting? Without it, he's not really special, is he? However, at the same time he has that weird Hannibal Lector thing happening around his mouth. I'm torn.

Verdict: Unclear

The Tattoo is Unimportant

Make me that cupcake and I will stay with you for the rest of my life.

Verdict: MARRY HER

HUSBAND - not a cross post

I'm getting a resurrection, and it's in my pants. This is the elusive fuckable and datable, based solely on the ink mashed into the skin of someone's body. When in doubt, blasphemy is always your best option. Also, dinosaurs.

Verdict: Totes fuckable

Rub Your Bone On Mine

Black light? YES. Unobtrusive, but totally biological and awesome? Yes, plz. Thanks skeleton-boy. We will take that boner hand hard. Thanks.

Verdict: Totes fuckable

Surf's up!

Let's set the mood: you're at a bar, you're looking for someone to go home with, and you run into THIS GUY. Is a surfing, rocking-out Bowser enough to get him laid? Perhaps. Enough to get him a second date? OH HELL NO.

Verdict: fuckable, but not date-able.

Query

Gentle reader, let me ask you a question. What if you were licking someone's breasts and then suddenly you were licking a dog with antler ears? Would you feel weird about that? I think I would, and not because of the breasts.

Verdict: Not fuckable

WINNER DING DING DING

Squids are automatically fuckable. They're fuckable, and they're fuckable hard. Also, weird beetles and shit and not flat ironing your hair. Hi, I like your squid and you're beautiful.

Verdict: Totes fuckable