A+ for Implied Incest

I would like to dedicate this post to Aubrey, Lauren, and Jon.


I'm going to out myself right now as a Star Wars nerd. When I say I really liked Star Wars as a kid, I don't mean I watched the movies a lot and had a lot of early fantasies about Han Solo where I was Carrie Fisher in late Return of the Jedi at her most ass-kicking-ist. I did all those things, but I also wrote an entire musical play with one of my friends based on the Star Wars movies (spoiler: I think we made fun of Luke for being whiny a lot). When we couldn't get any of the neighborhood kids to perform it (true story) I fucking storyboarded that shit (also true, just more embarrassing). I think the colored pencil drawings are still somewhere in my house. I also really liked the books based on the entire the Star Wars trilogy, so much so that in college, post-graduation, a bunch of us formed an ill-fated Star Wars book club for the summer and even though the book club never really took off, I still reread a bunch of them. They are still awesome, folks. They are full of over-exposition and awkwardness! Basically, Star Wars, like Jesus, is magic.

I'm guessing you can all see where I'm going, and that's "totes fuckable" territory.


Verdict: um yes, I would like to marry you, plz and thank you

Hey, you were in a frat in college? That's so cool, man. You're in a band? Fuck yeah! I'm just gonna go pound this empty beer can against my head now. I know man, we're so cool! Fuck yeah.

Verdict: not fuckable

The Humans Are Dead

That's 'geek' in binary code. Supposedly. I don't do that whole "I get computers and I am very knowledgeable about them" thing. I am however, fully willing to take this person's word for it that they got geek in binary code tattooed on their arm.

Verdict: totes fuckable

Whoops, That's Your Boyfriend?

I think the real travesty here is not the obvious misspelling, but rather that said misspelling is so prominently displayed that no one will ever be able to miss it. Whoops, but enjoy looking like a tool whenever you take your shirt off in public, or not taking your shirt off when it is appropriate and looking like a tool anyway.

Verdict: not fuckable

Either Way You (and by you I mean we all) Lose

Well shit. Is that Maggie from LOST or Calista Flockhart? I don't know, I don't care. Either way, we all lose when we see this on your arm. Keep your wet dreams about somewhat has-beens in mind-fuck dramas to yourself, please and thank you.

Verdict: not fuckable

bodily functions happen

Whoops, but you got a tattoo of poop peppered with corn kernels. I salute your openness to poop (spoiler: everybody poops, it's awesome). I also see this arm fisting me oh, NEVER.

Verdict: not fuckable

Wow, you're so meta

Things that are not sexy about this photo--> it calls to mind this Beavis and Butt-Head joke:
Butt-Head: I'll get a tattoo of a butt.
Beavis: I'll get a tattoo of a butt *on* my butt!
Butt-Head: Oh yeah?
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-Head: Well I'll get a tattoo of a butt that has a butt-shaped tattoo on it, and I'll get it right on my butt! That would be cool.

Things that are not un-sexy about this tattoo:
OMG YOU CAN SEE THE SCROTUM.


On the one hand, it's anatomically correct. On the other hand, it's a physical manifestation of a fucking Beavis and Butt-Head joke.


Verdict: not fuckable

Mama like

I was inclined to rate this tattoo unfavorably, but Speculations for Schoolboys swayed me with this important point: that tattoo will only get more adorable with age. Most tattoos have a certain age associated with them, in my opinion, be they the cartoon characters of youth or the demons and pinups of midlife crises. But this tattoo? Timeless. Old dudes and young dudes alike can rock the polo. Hell, it would even be charming if he developed a beer belly.

Verdict: totes fuckable

No banana for you.

This tattoo is well done, and I do appreciate the evolutionary implication, but consider this:

that monkey will be staring intently, unblinking eyes and all, at anyone that man would ever, um, grace with oral pleasures. Picture THAT between your legs.

Verdict: not fuckable.

Oh, we're all "juge"ing.

So young, and such a (as the site where we found this gem implies) shitty tattoo to be stuck with for the rest of your life... gentle reader, let's examine -- critical typo aside -- the inconsistent font, the "my drunk friend did this for me in his basement" style, if you will. But to get back to the typo -- grammatical and spelling errors are an instant and total turn off. Plus, you know, the God thing. Gross.

Verdict: 100% NOT FUCKABLE.

Connect the dots?

Would I go gay for that? Probably. Giraffes are adorable, connect the dots are awesome, and a combination of both above a cute shoe is pretty sexy (but I'm not a mathematician or anything).

Verdict: totes fuckable

vinegar + cucumbers

I assume this is the pickle of 'Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback' fame, so I'm using it as an opportunity to post this:





While I am personally a fan of The Pickle (which this apparently is - nice use of articles? Or something), I don't know if this pickle tattoo has the longevity we really look for in 'fuckable.' At best, this pickle-lover is a one night stand. At worst, he is overcompensating with a phallic symbol.

Verdict: Unclear

I don't like the direction this is going...

The way I see this, there are only three reasons he would have this tattoo:
1) he has a fetish for midgets
2) he is a pedophile
3) he is stupid

Verdict: not fuckable