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something smells fishy & I don't mean your lady

Yeah, I can see that in my bed when I wake up and roll over in the morning. Koi: strangely sexy when done well? Who knew a bunch of cliched fish could be so damn sexy?


Verdict: totes fuckable

tweet tweet hoot hoot

You know what I really like? Birds. So guess what you can look forward to seeing a whole lot more of on this blog? Mother fucking birds. In this installment of BIRDS ON YOUR BODY, I'd like to present you with a gorgeous owl tattoo that's just realistic enough without being something you don't want too close to your lady bits. This hand and the awesomeness all over its wrist is totally invited to touch me where I pee.

Verdict: totes fuckable

um, those go IN you not ON you.

You know what isn't sexy? McDonald's.


Verdict: not fuckable.

body beautiful

Apparently, this tattoo is based on a sketch by the artist whose work inspired Lilo and Stitch, the tattoo artist inked this on her husband as practice, and I think it is kind of awesome. I'm really into the idea of this tattoo as it ages, since her tats age with you. Adorbs, no?


Verdict: totes fuckable

maybe the best way to get laid

Ladies, which is worse, the smacking or the socks? It might almost be a toss up for me.


Verdict: not fuckable

oh crap.

Too late, buddy - a tattoo artist already took a shit on your arm.


Verdict: not fuckable

Femi nist

This tattooed musician was submitted by a reader (heyyy B!) with the caption: "This one screams put it in me."


Well, yes.

Verdict: totes fuckable.

emotionally overcompensating

Well, Brenda definitely knows that you either love her or you're super crazy and do spontaneous, stupid things to your back with ink. Spontaneous, stupid things. Wow. Brenda. You are such a lucky girl. Bonus: if you ever forget your name, all you have to do is turn this guy over.

Verdict: not fuckable

diddle a fiddle. make your own inappropriate pun.

I'm not saying I'd go gay for it, but yeah, I think that's playable. Creative, unique, and it shows a sense of her own body and how best to accessorize and accentuate it. Kudos.



Verdict: totes fucakble

Cullen back

Much like this, the tattoo that spawned/necessitated this blog, this is horrific and it must be judged. I hope that like Stephen Baldwin's Miley Cyrus tattoo, this involved a 14-year-old girl anda lack of satisfaction on the part of the tattooed. In any case, YIKES. Somewhere a little pubescent girl is crying because you stole her tattoo. You asshole.

Verdict: not fuckable.

ugh.

Things I like about this tattoo:

• camels are super cute (when they aren't spitting on you)
• self-awareness is pretty great
• colors! they're sort of nice and stuff

Things that are not great about this tattoo:

• Whoops: camel toe. You have it ON YOUR BODY.

Please be aware: camel toe is gross. Cut it the fuck out.


Verdict: not fuckable

sometimes the description of the tattoo makes the tattoo

The owner of this tattoo claims it of a dog getting a divorce. Does this look like a dog getting a divorce to me? Um, no, not really. On the other hand, I'm not really sure what a dog getting a divorce looks like (spoiler: I have not met any dogs in the process of getting a divorce so I'm not really 100 % sure what a visual representation of one would be like or need to include to be an accurate visual representation). In any case, it almost doesn't matter. I don't know why they felt it necessary to get one tattooed on their arm, but whatever - it's ridiculous, odd, unique, and sort of awesome. It has a suitcase! I'm into it. Maybe it is just a dog taking a vacation? I don't care - a dog taking a vacation would be awesome.

Verdict: totes fuckable

somone put a ring pop on it

Fact: if you were born in the 80's, you probably love ring pops and have warm, fuzzy memories about eating them in your childhood. I was born in the 80's. Thinking about ring pops makes me nostalgic for those plastic rings you slide the side of your over-sized T-shirt through. Also, neon and My Little Ponies. That shit was magical.

Verdict: totes fuckable. That shit is marriage material.

Life is Pain...

... and so is unintentionally causing your own celibacy.

Seriously, dude, the bruised dripping gash thing? Not so hot. Hope you can learn to enjoy servicing yourself for the rest of your life.

Verdict: NOT FUCKABLE.

Things I'm not into:

• bugs
• people trying to make 3-D happen

Verdict: not fuckable

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Sorry guys. I know this is SUPER NSFW (joking: I am not very sorry. Hope it doesn't scar you!)

This tattoo has me a little torn. On the one hand, [mostly] anatomically correct genitalia! That is super great. On the other hand, if the dick on his right foot doesn't know how to take no for an answer, how the hell will his actual dick?

In the end, 'Schrödinger’s Rapist' syndrome always wins.

Verdict: not fuckable.

Numbers and Symbols and Letters - Oh My

I don't know what any of this means. I took Physics my freshmen year of college and didn't understand physics then. I didn't retain anything I sort of learned. I haven't thought about physics at all since then, either, with the exception of making jokes about friction, momentum, and kinetic energy.

Anyway, I am enthralled by this tattoo, probably because I don't understand it. I don't really care what it means, it is just sort of fantastic. I feel smarter just thinking about how little I understand it. I'm coming down on the favorable side of whatever is going on here.



Verdict: totes fuckable

Cool like Ice Ice Baby

Really? Then so is sucking dicks. Oral is a two way street sir. I hope no one ever blows you again, unless this tattoo is ironic, in which case I hope you never get your dick sucked again. Ugh.

Verdict: not fuckable

do not do me

Let's play a game! It's called finish his to do list! Here are some options to help you get started:

Things he will probably be able to eventually cross off his list someday, if not immediately:

• Look like a tool
• Reappropriate a phrase from the armed services, circa Vietnam
  
• Be really embarrassed about this tattoo in 15 years
• Get lame tattoo
• Write on arm like a 13-year-old girl who forgot her trapper keeper but REALLY has to remember Johnny with the swoop at the mall's phone number
• Rock the shocker, further looking like a fool who deserves to be tasered
  
• Get ready for the white trash-themed party

Things to leave on, undone:

• Be original
• Go to a tattoo artist who knows what they're doing
• Understand what lined notepaper looks like
  

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

Verdict: not fuckable